Alright guys. I ended up strictly recording my thoughts on this whole situation because I didn’t know how to just put the words down here. There is so much to consider and question. I will link the audio recording here in this post, and maybe (perhaps) I’ll get to the recording of the previous postings. As I type I have more thoughts but I’ll just let them settle for now.
Changes in progress here at the Mill.. but mentally dealing with the fall out of the Afghan situation.
So. Didn’t make my 11 day streak for posting–so I suppose all one can do is try again. I was going to post this weekend, but had birthday party and other things happening related and it ended up taking up most of the weekend. Still re-building the energy reserves. I mean, don’t feel bad, cause I didn’t even make my bed– and that is one of the two things I generally require of myself to have a successful day. I did feed the dog, so I didn’t completely fail.
I am also going to be real here and say this this weekend was emotionally difficult (hence the title of this post). I think I mentioned before that I don’t have children. Not for lack of trying. All three of my babies have only ever opened their eyes in heaven. This is a state of being that I didn’t want or plan for but it is where I am in life. Folks, not knowing my history, assume that I don’t have children because I don’t want them. With good intentions they say things like, “You’re so good with children!”, “You would make a wonderful mother!”, “Children are blessings from the Lord.” Well yeah, of course they are. Something that is difficult for many people to accept in the Christian life is that — not all of the Lord’s blessings are meant for all of the Lord’s children. Faith-wise– it is a battle between what we want and what the Lord has. Good things become idols when we place them above the Lord. We see it in Abraham’s life as well. I’ve seen a few professing Christians turn from the faith because they could not have children.
Anyway, around these parts is back to school time. I see people around me getting their children ready — everyone from kindergarten through to dropping their kids off at college for the first time. I can’t help but think of where my babies would have been at this point if they had made it. It makes my heart hurt because it just naturally moves beyond the present into the future. The big birthdays, the big events, the every day frustrations where they just want mom. Exhausting times, indeed, but worth it in the long run I think. I assume.
It isn’t a mindset I dwell in, but it does come and go with the flow of life. I don’t dwell, but it does take a few days to get through. That’s the important part that I try really to be cognizant of: don’t push it away and let it fester. Deal with it now so the next time it isn’t an overwhelming wave of pent up frustration. I think the roughness this past weekend is also because of the transition I’m in already with re-establishing roots. Every year before now, I’ve always been at a distance. The kids (Nieces, nephews, bestie kids, friends kids, church kids) were always far away and I was only tangentially involved with their lives because there was no other choice. Now, it’s a mixed bag. My siblings (and therefore, my nieces and nephews) are still long distance; however, everyone else is part of my every day living. It is so much fun, and yet it is low-key painful as well. I am super excited to see and help them learn new things and figure stuff out. To be a person some of them can talk to, but also just share random silly things with— even if they earn me eye-rolls and giggles. This past weekend, I got hugs just because. Those are the moments that lessen that pain, and the moments–I suppose– that will now act as the balm to soothe in the long term.
There is no real great way to end this posting. So .. til the next time.
I am getting my ears pierced again today, and I am pretty excited about it. I should maybe clarify that I have them pierced already, but I will be putting in either two or four more (I haven’t decided if I want three per ear–
OK wait– here is a tangent–: My thinking on this is that I could just get the three per ear today and then deal with the healing time once. That way later I can choose how many I want in each ear. The other option is just get the one set and if I want to get another set later I can go through the healing process all over again. I’ll ask the guy today. I really don’t think I’ll make a firm decision until the moment of— end tangent)
I have always wanted three per ear. I think its because as a kid, my older (and hence, obviously, cooler) cousin had three and I loved it. Today, she had considerably more (I believe her entire left ear has huggie hoops all the way ’round. I don’t want to go that far. I am hyper sensitive, so no costume jewelry for me.
Why am I doing this now? Well, that kinda has to do with the “stagnant” part. See, it is the middle of military PCS season. No one likes moving, but when its a regular part of life the sudden lack of it is a bit shocking. I was born into the military life and so far as long as I can remember, we’ve moved every few years. In the years of high school, after my dad got out of the Air Force, we started in a rental and then moved into a house they bought. It was three years until I graduated and moved myself across the state for school. Then a year later I moved back into my own place. And a couple years after that, my new boyfriend (we were friends for years before we started dating–but this was things were still new on the romance front) decided he was going to join the Army and I’ve been moving ever since.
Now he’s retired, but doing contract work so he still gets to go around to different places. Now I have The Bee Mill, my first house that isn’t rented. I’m still unpacking and moving in at the moment, but I didn’t realize that previously my mind set unconsciously was, “Move in with an eye for moving out in a few years.” I’m bout to be stagnant. This is all new territory for me. I’m having some other issues with the transition that I may get into here later.
Anyway, part of the whole thing before was I tried to keep small pieces to a minimum. Easily lost or broken during packouts was an auto no-go for me. This included jewelry of any sort. If I can’t wear it on the daily, then I don’t wear it. Part of it is my hyper-sensitivity, and the other part is that they are small and expensive. No willing to really lose them. So.
That is why I’m getting my ears pierced again. It’s what I’ve wanted to do for awhile but haven’t. To get over this mental trip I’m on (hopefully) this is what I am doing with the mindset “You didn’t let yourself before, but now you can! This is a good thing”
Also, been researching something else to plan for in the future (not sure if the near or far yet, but planning on it)– I’ll also get into that later.
That’s all for day 10 of posting. Tomorrow will be day 11– I hope.
And because I have a jukebox of a brain, I now have the song “Don’t Call it a Comeback” rollin’ around up there in my head. AHH, such is life.
I think I said at the end of last week or over the weekend that I am using the first 10 of my next 100 day plan to actually get ready to jump back into physical fitness. A bit of background on that would be that last year, I was actually planning an international move to South Korea (yay! Love the country and the people–we go waaaay back to the 80’s) all the way into Mid-October before it all changed. The particulars of that story are definitely going to be addressed at some point but 2020 was gnarly on many fronts for me and picking through it should prove to be interesting.
Anyway, that is for another time and another blog posting.
Back into how I got to where I am right now. So October, not moving internationally, but have to now move as the lease for the house we were in was up in November. When situations this unknown slap ya in the face, things drop off, know what I mean? I am sure anyone reading this has some comprehension to some point of your life (and I’m willing to bet at least one of them also happened in 2020, because well…it was 2020). Physical fitness was it for me. It is not that I got lazy (which is not beyond the realm of possibility, but not applicable in this case), its just that I was way too busy. As a side note, I also have fibromyalgia and what used to be called CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). CFS is called something else now, but I can never remember–M____ something or another. I should maintain some pretty strict activity boundaries to save myself future pain. This was not something I could regulate in that way though because of time constraints.
I also lost my medical team in this whole transition (not unusual in a regular PCS move–but this wasn’t to be a regular PCS move). Not just the team, but the parameters of insurance also changed (this will be ranted about in a future post—believe me—I am HHHHHOT on the subject). My heart decided it wanted to do weird things and so I was told by new medical team that until they could figure what was happening (It had already been determined that I had a hole in there, but worry was that it was larger)–no exercise.
I was doing somewhat well— gaining weight, sure, but not too badly. The thing about my body is that I am (or can become) what others would deem as “skinny fat”. I remain pretty steady on the weigh-scale–but my body fat starts to shoot up. I am not particularly attached to exercise itself, but I also seem to have this impulse in my brain that is like, “You aren’t supposed to–but I’m sure you can a bit” so I picked up a mobility and flexibility program (cause– you know— aging)
Had to stop it all.
But now the heart docs say I can start up again. My body tells me I absolutely need to start up again. My Mind tells me “Where the heck do you start?”
Thought about it yesterday, and I think I should probably start again with the mobility and flex program–to rebuild a good foundation and so I don’t hurt myself in the future.
Then two weeks after that—I think I’ll start working in a toning program. Get the metabolism going. Start actually cooking my meals (I can count on two hands how many meals I’ve actually made here in The Kitchen @ The Mill).
I’ll try and figure out how to keep track of my measurements (Cause, lets face it, I’m not posting pictures for comparison on the internet LOL).
Be prepared for a lot of moaning and groaning—with some progress on the sides.
Anyone else out there getting ready to start (or re start) a healthy life journey? Are you making plans or just winging it?
Gonna finish my cup of coffee and try to get something done (probably won’t, but I’m tryin here folks!).
Sundays, I generally try to stay off the computer as much as possible, BUUUUUTT
I am trying to build a habit here, so this will be a quick tip that I will share. Some may know this already, some might expect it to be true, and for others it will never cross their minds:
When looking for a new stylist (GRR- This is the norm in military life) don’t go back to the one who won’t show you the cut after a blow out, but instead immediately reaches for the flat-iron to put in those “beachy waves” you never asked for.
I’d invite you to ask me how I know, but I don’t think I have to.
Got a trim on Friday and back to my natural hair color (cause that fun cherry red from October doesn’t look so hot at the end of July– especially considering lots of pool time in there) and was reminded of this standard I’ve set. I won’t be going back to that particular lady.
And the search continues!
P.S.
I have been informed that I should ask for participation— SO!
If you want to share a tale proving the effectiveness of said tip (or to disproving it) Feel free to do so in the comments 🙂
In all seriousness, I am writing now to see how I like sitting here and doing something other than coffee and social media check-up (which is usually how my mornings roll).
The tile of this post is two-fold. I believe I have mentioned before (ahem) that my husband has retired now and so that means some adjustments and transitions for the both of us in the near and middle-distant future.
Let me be 100% real with you all right in this second.
The biggest transition is going to be not being able to rely on training missions, temporary deployments, schools, etc etc to get some space. At the moment, he has good work, but that work has him on the other side of the world and he’ll be back at the end of the year. We are praying that he’ll be able to get a transfer to a location that is only about 45 minutes from the Bee Mill so that he can come back with relatively little hassle. Military life is hard for a lot of people. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve never had that issues, but it may be because I was born into the lifestyle. What concerns me is civilian life. There is a built in structure that provides a sense of security even when things are unpredictable and precarious. The Civvy world does not have that.
Chances are high that I’ll share thoughts and concerns and frustrations of this particular transition. Those chances are so high that I’ll even establish the very first category on this blog about it. In this moment alone I have thought about a subject which I have some deep rants about on this whole retirement business. Ohh. That’ll be a doosy for sure!
Hope the day finds you well in spirit if not in body or location, folks!
Contending Existence 